20 Days Into 2011...

It hardly seems possible.  Where has the time gone?  I can't keep up, just as I begin to feel as though I can get it all together, the rug gets yanked out from beneath me once again.  And then I start scrambling once again to get back up, put the pieces in place and start all over again.  And so it goes.

Such is the way my year has begun.  I've begun to expect nothing less.  Not that I feel like I deserve anything more, mind you.  I am but a humble servant.  (Perhaps I need to work on the humble part a little bit more.)  But in my rush and bustle to pick up the pieces, my capacity to 'serve' seems to have been misplaced.  I don't feel like the balls that I work so hard at keeping in the air are the ones that He wants me to keep airborn.  Though I am not certain.  I listen for His voice.  I search for a sign from Him.  And I pray for direction, and I will continue to pray.  I know that what I do is important in and of itself.  It is important to be  here for my family, to give them faith and hope, to work hard and function as I do in the capacity that I do.  I try to be a good person and to carry Him with me where I go, to reach out to others, to make my world larger.  Sometimes though, the challenges overwhelm me. 

  It is then, that I know I have to rise above it and try harder.  Be better, stronger, more faithful.  But can I?  Can I be that person?   

Today it is especially difficult.  Today, my body betrays me.  I am sick.  Again.  I struggle with pain and fatigue.  It has been weeks.  Strep throat followed by a terrible cold.  Three weeks of that and then just when the sniffling and sneezing had finally gone away and I seemed to be free of symptoms I went to bed and during the night on Tuesday I coughed.  Just once.  But that one cough was telling.  It was in my chest.  And it hurt.  Burned.  By the time morning broke, my voice was about gone, and I was feeling quite terrible.  I went to work and as the day progressed, so did my symptoms.  More coughing, fever, fatigue, headache and general malaise.  I called to schedule an appointment with the doctor but could not get in until this morning.  So at 7:45 I went in and met with her.  Before she examined me she asked me to explain what was going on so I did.  I told he my symptoms and said it felt like it was in my bronchial tubles.  She examined me and said that I was extremely congested and that sure enough I had bronchitis that was working its way into pnemonia.   I feel lousy!  But, back to work.  Hoping to leave early, taking a break now to blog.  Ha!

Dropped off my prescriptions with Jim so he can get them filled for me.

Monday is our 30th wedding anniversary.  Thirty years!  Jim made reservations to take me to a nice inn on the river not too far from here.  Just the two of us.  Dinner first.  Fireplace and hot tub in the room, and I am not going to be sick!  Pray that the medicine works!  I could really use a break. 

This is the place.

We were there once before, 15 years ago.  But it snowed, and snowed and snowed and we had to leave early.  Turned into a blizzard really.  Luck never was our thing.  Hopefully this time will be better!

Also, keep my family in your prayers if you will.  Though I hesitate to say this I feel like I must put it out there.  My cousin is missing.  It has been over a week now.  He is an adult, married and a paramedic.  He was talking to his wife on the cell phone from his car and then the phone went dead, nothing since.  The police found his car, it was burned.  No sign of him.  Nothing.  Pray.  My aunt is a wreck as you can well imagine.  Her son.  His wife is sure that he will be fine.  Everyone just want him home.  Pray.  Please. 

LORD, on the basis of Your Word, I ask that you spread Your protection over me this day. Keep me from all harm, and watch over my life. Watch over my coming and my going both now and forevermore. Be a wall of fire around me, Lord. Let Your favor surround me like a shield. Give Your angels charge over me to guard me in all of my ways. Thank You, Lord, that Your angels are encamped all around me–to rescue and deliver me from all evil, harm, destruction, disease, and defeat! (Psalm 5:11; Psalm 121:7-8; Zechariah 2:5; Psalm 5:12; Psalm 91:11; Psalm 34:7)

 

When we left off...

I was on my way to pick up Bella at school in my costume.  When she came out of the school I said hi and waved at her and she said hi and waved back and kept walking and looking around for someone to meet her.  She didn't recognize me at all.  I called her again and bent down to her level and she said "GaGa?" then she just laughed.  Later she told Michelle that she heard my voice but couldn't see me.  Ha!  Too funny!

Saturday we took  her down to one of the outdoor malls and she went trick or treating there.  It was fun to see lots of different costumes.  The store employees were dressed up too and that was fun to see.  Afterwards we went out for lunch and then took Bella to her class on Bones.  She just loved it!  That kid is really something.  She was so interested in learning about the different bones, it was fun to watch and hear what she and the other kids had to say.  Honestly, you could have filmed it and made a TV show of it, it was pretty amusing. These kids are smart too.  He asked them if they knew any names of bones and I expected to hear leg bone, arm bone, like that.  Nope.  Instead we got, skull, phalange and sternum!  OK, really?!  Geeesh!  He showed the kids a jaw bone with some teeth in it and talked to them about how the teeth pulled away from the jawbone and eroded, and one kid piped in with 'Oh, like the Grand Canyon?'  So it was entertaining for the parents as well as the children.  After the class was over the children were allowed to hold Shadow, one of the 'pets' of the Discovery Center. 

Bella and Shadow

After the class we walked around the grounds and snapped a few shots of Bella and Michelle together. 

Well it looks like Blogger is still having issues and I can't add another picture, but I would if I could!  

Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful fall day and we made the most of it and got lots of pictures. 

On Sunday, we went to Church and Bella sang with the Children's Choir.  It was very cute and she was so happy to be a part of the group.  She has wanted to join the group, but this is the first year that we thought she could make it for the whole day.  They meet at 8:45 then Sunday School is at 9:30 and Church is at 10:30 and then we don't get home until 12:00 at the earliest and it makes for a long  morning for her.  She still will often ask to lie down as soon as we get in the door, no lunch or anything just a nap! 

 At Church I lit a candle and said a prayer for my nephew Daniel in honor of All SAints Day.  Daniel has been gone for seven months now and I like to think that he is celebrating with the angels now.  I often think of him and of my brother and how diffcult loosing Daniel must be on him.  It can never be easy to loose a child but I think it must be especially difficult if you don't have a strong belief system to support you, and I fear that my brother does not.  So I pray for him on many levels.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

   Kids can be funny. You never know how they are going to take something that you tell them or teach them. Will they understand? Really understand or just go through the motions and act like they do to get through the conversation or the lecture.

When my son was little he would agree to anything just to get me to stop talking to him! Every once in a while though I knew that I had gotten through to him and that I had made a point. He would show me by his response to something that somehow something we had tried to teach him had in fact made an impression.  And it felt good.

With Michelle it was always much easier to tell because she made a habit out of making her feelings known, being more forthcoming with her emotions and her behaviours.  (That only started to change when she hit those teenage years and she has since reverted back to her 'original' self!)

Now we have a unique chance to see our daughter raising her daughter and to see some of those lessons being taught again.  And, being learned again.  Bella is an interesting combination of different personalities.  In so many ways, she is so much like Michelle, but  there are other ways in which she is a curious blend of Jim and Tim and others as well.  And of course, she is a unique individual.

But her sensitivity and her compassion never ceases to amaze me. I may have talked of this before, but it bears repeating in my opinion.  She has demonstrated acts of compassion since she was very young, maybe 3 years old.  It amazed me at the time and it amazes me now.  She can be empathetic and really try to understand someone else's suffering and pain or their happiness.  Sometimes though, it can make for what Michelle will describe as a 'High Maintenance' little girl.  She feels deeply.  For instance, our neighbors had a dog named Chloe and several months ago, Chloe passed away.  Monday night as Bella was saying her prayers (which she has to say in private,facing the outside wall of her bedroom), she began to cry.  Michelle heard her cry and went to her to find out what was wrong.  Bella told her she was saying her prayers and included Chloe and that she was just so sad that Chloe had to be in Heaven and not here with the people who love her so much.  She wasn't sad for Chloe, but for her people because they would miss their dog.

The tears quickly turned to a torrent and Michelle felt useless to stop the storm. 

Bella knew that Chloe was in Heaven, she knew that she was in a better place and she was free from pain, yet she was still sad.  Her sadness was for those she left behind.  Isn't that how most Christians feel when a loved one dies?  How do you help to ease the suffering born from grief and pain? 

I can only say the best way I know how, with Prayer and with Faith.

Sometimes though, it can be a dificult lesson to learn.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD.     

Philippians 4:6

FINISHED!

You heard me, I finished the painting!  For the time being anyway.  I finished what needed to be finished before the carpet goes in.  I still have to do the bathroom and then the mudroom, but that can wait-for now I am celebrating.  Although my celebrations are pretty boring anymore.  I am too tired and sore.  Ha!  But I am so glad to be done.  I've declared next weekend a paint free weekend!  Not gonna do it. 
So it was a busy weekend.  I did go cropping on Friday night, haven't done that in too long.  What's more, I got a couple of pages done.  I figured that since Bella's 6th birthday is now just a month away, I should at least scrap her 5th birthday.  Started on that.  I also got another random page done from last summer.  I know, I am so behind.  The pages were very basic, but it felt good to do them.  It's been so long that it was almost like starting over.  I didn't have anything packed, couldn't remember what stuff I had or where it was, so I just used the most basic things, but that's okay.  Got them done and that's what matters.  Hopefully I can get some pictures posted soon.
Then Saturday we went to dance class as per usual.  Getting ready for the recital which is going to be in June.  After dance we  headed for Home Depot.  Since it was the first Saturday of the month, Bella was anxious to do the craft because it was for Mother's Day this week.  A lawn chair with a hole in it to hold a small potted plant.  She loves doing those things and the price is most definetely right-free!  I got my last gallon of paint and then we headed for home and I got to work on the basement. 
After I had finished for the day, I was showering and the girls had heard sirens and noticed that they sounded very close so headed out front to investigate.  They saw emergency vehicles turning from our street and walked down the street to see what was going on.  It turns out that on of Bella's little's friends dad's was working in the yard while mom went shopping.  Mom came home and dad was still outside, when she didn't hear from him after a few minutes she went out to say hi only to find him on the ground.  His heart had stopped.  She called 911, and started CPR, neighbors came out to help, but they were unable to get his heart started and he was later pronounced at the hospital.  So sad.  He was 48 and leaves behind a wife and 7 year old daughter.  I've been thinking about them all day.  When Michelle told Bella that he had passed, she looked at Michelle with the saddest eyes and said 'But I prayed!'  She just didn't understand why that wasn't enough. Michelle did a wonderful job of explaining it to her, but it is a difficult concept for a child to understand.  Last night when she put Bella to bed, Bella said that she was going to say an extra prayer for her friend Tess and for Tess' dad in heaven.  Sweet little one. 
Again we are reminded of lifes fragile wings.  How in a heartbeat a life is over, a loved one is lost, lives are forever changed.  Give those you love an extra hug tonight and let them know you love them.  Tell them.  And never forget-Count your blessings!

Simple Things

My son called me on Saturday.  A phone call just a simple thing really.   For nothing in particular, just to say hi and to tell me about his week.  It was nice.  I appreciated it and it got  me thinking.  I like my kids, I always have.  Which is not to say that there haven't been times when I haven't wanted to pull my hair out - or theirs, because I have.  Just that I like them and I as they have gotten older and grown into young adults I appreciate and admire the people that they are becoming or have become.  I like talking to them, hearing about their days, their relationships, their ups and downs, what they are passionate about, what makes them happy and sad.  Anything.  Everything.  Learning about them, enjoying them, living with them.  It makes me realize how lucky, no how blessed I am.  They are here and I can talk to them, I can hug them and tell them that I appreciate them, that I love them. 
It makes me think about my brother, missing his son.  Not having the opportunity to hold him one last time, not knowing that the last time that he spoke to him would be the last time.  Would it make a difference?  What would he say to Daniel?  What would he do?  What would you say to your child if you knew that when he/she walked out the door they wouldn't be coming back?  Would you do something different, say something different?  Pete told me that he was sure that Daniel knew that he was loved, what a gift to be able to give our children.  To know that they are loved, they are wanted.   He should take comfort in that. 
We can't know.  Pete didn't know that Daniel wouldn't be coming back.  But, would that have changed things?  Would the end result have been any different?  Who's to know.  Some would argue that when it is your time, it's your time.  I don't know the answer to that.  What I do know is that we can only do the best that we can do.  That's all.  We raise our children with love.  We try to teach them to love others, to live compassionately, to be kind, to be truthful, to be hopeful, to be prayerful, and thoughtful and everything that we want and hope for them to be.  And we pray, and we pray and we pray.  We pray that some of it took hold, something sunk in, somewhere along the way, our words became more than just words, they realized that love was more than just a four letter word it is a verb-an action word.  As their parents, their community, we provided the action, we showed it to them, mentored them in the ways of love so that they might mentor others.  And if they do?  Well, then maybe, we've done our part of our job right. 
Reach out today and do a simple thing to let someone know that they are loved, that they are thought of, that they are a cherished part of your life.  Call them, hug them, tell them or just listen to them as they tell you about their day or their passion or whatever it is they might want to tell you about. 
Life is fragile, tenuous at best.  Hold on to those you hold dear, cherish those ordinary moments with them, count you blessings and never stop praying.