Monday, March 21, 2011

Breaking My Silence

I know that I have been silent for a while now and for any of my loyal readers (both of you-ha!) I do apologize.  I'd like to tell you a little about what has been going on in my life as of late, though I hesitate to do so for fear of sounding like a whiner, but a this is my sounding board-here goes.

Where to begin?  Work.  Work has been very, very hectic!  I don't know if I had mentioned, but I have been in charge of a build out at work.  We occupy space in a three story building and we have had space on both the second and third floors and have needed more, so when space became available on the first floor, my company leased it and began a build out of it.  It was my responibility to work with the contracors, the landlords, and our team to make sure the space was built to specifications.  Further it became my responsibility to bid out furniture, work spaces, white boards, office equipment, etc. choose the vendors and supervise the installs of everything and then to hire movers to physically move the employees who would be moving from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor.  Oh, and did I mention that this was done in less than six weeks?  Yeah, it was fun.  Another thing I may have forgotten to mention is that I have no experience in that field!  What do I know about reading  blue prints and working with electricians and finding a vendor that sells white boards that will cover an entire room from floor to ceiling?  Six weeks ago, nothing-now, a lot more!  I worked long hard hours and came home totally exhausted!  So just as I have finished up this project and think that things will begin to settle into a normal routine again, I find out that we will be aquiring two more 'parcels' of square footage to build out within the building and I have 'inherited' another70 plus or minus files to work.  Gotta love job security! 

Another major issue in my life lately has been my health.  I really hesitate to talk about this because it is reallly difficult for a number of reasons.  Number one is that I don' like to complain.  I try very hard to keep a positve attitude, and most of the time I succeed.  But sometimes, I have to admit to giving in to the demon who wants to bring me down.  I struggle with him and don't want him to win.  I know that the Lord has a reason for all that He does and I know that I am So Blessed, I KNOW that.  So why do I allow Satan to bring me down? Because the pain just won't go away!  I know that and I accept that.  I live with it.  But sometimes, I'd like a vacation from it.  A chance to get away from myself for a bit and remember what it is like to be free from the shackles that bind me.  The pain that is myotonia that grips my muscles and pulls at them and refuses to let up. 
I visited with my doctor at Kennedy Kreiger on Friday and she asked how I was doing and she is so kind.  She has soft green eyes that look deep and I felt safe there.  Because she knew.  So I described it for her, and I this is what I said:  'The pain starts at about a 5 in the morning (on a scale of 1-10) and as the day goes on it gets worse.  By the time the night falls I can't stand it and I don't know what to do with it.  I want to scream, but I can't.  I sit in my chair and I want to rest all of my limbs in soft, fluffy pillows,  or put my body in traction, or float myself in a big pool of hot water.  Then I just want to lie down, so I go to bed, but it hurts in bed.  I can't get comfortable, everywhere the bed touches my body hurts.  So I get up feeling unrested.  It doesn't seem to end.'
And she understood.  She got it.  She has seen it before, there are others like me.  I knew that, because I chat with them on line though I have never actually met one.  But there is a strange kind of comfort in knowing that you're not on this journey alone.  That others have gone before you and others will go after you and what I am going through now may somehow help someone else.  Sound crazy?  I don't know, I fill out every survey and take part in every case study that I can on this disease to help in any way that I can.  Maybe that is why I was choosen, I don't know.  Anyway, bottom line new medcine protocol again.  Trying to mix it up a little.  Also going to try some physical therapy again, different this time.  Gentler, kinder, if we can fnd someone that can work with us.

So there you have it.  Ugly, I know.  I have to dump it all somewhere though.  I tell Jim, but it is hard for him.  He doesn't like to hear it, he listens but then tries to act like nothing is wrong.  I know it comes from a place of worry,  he doesn't want to admit that there is anything wrong, that I am less than his version of perfect.  But then he'll do a complete 360 and sugest that I pick up a new insurance at work that will pay for in home nursing care!  Like I want to talk about that or even think about it.  He's a pragmatist in many ways though and I, well I live for the day. 

I've needed some time to  be quite, to pray, to listen to God and to just be.  I'm getting better now, and growing stronger every day.  What a wonderful time to do that.  I go to church and listen to the hymns and the service and I am invigorated.  I am renewed in my faith and strengthened by God.  He is so good!

And if you have made it this far, I should reward you with a picture of my special girl.  This is  how Bella went to school on St. Patrick's Day!

Can you see the green hair? 
She was so excited!  Ha!

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