Monday, September 14, 2009

Men are Gross!

I have been married for nearly 29 years (to the same man) and I have a23 year old son, so I can state with certainty that men are gross. I don’t think that it is just the men in my life that are gross, but men in general. They are sloppy, dirty and disgusting. I’m guessing that it comes from having an appendage that dangles down so sloppily or something. I just can’t stand it!
Take their bathroom habits. Have you ever seen a man voluntarily change the toilet paper roll? Really, how hard is it? If forced to get a new roll, which I believe they avoid at all costs, they don’t remove the empty roll and replace it with the new one. Instead, it gets placed on the vanity or back of the toilet. Sloppy. I’ve also noticed that I am often forced to clean handprints from the wall above the toilet-handprints. What do they do in there? Do they have to hold themselves up while peeing or do they use going to the bathroom an excuse to do push -ups against the wall? I don’t know, but when they are not home I never have to clean up handprints from off the bathroom wall. It’s a guy thing. When my son was a little boy and we were in the process of potty training him, he sat. When we got that part down, he stood. When this part of the journey began I taught him that when he was finished he needed to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the rim. He did. I remember thinking that it was a genius move on my part. He didn’t know any better, so why not?! He’ll grow up thinking that it is the natural thing to do, right? Then something I hadn’t quite thought through happened, he went to school with a whole bunch of other boys whose mother’s had not taught them to wipe. And so the teaching was very quickly ‘un-taught’. (Sigh) But if they won’t wipe, why not at least try to aim? They try to perfect their aim in baseball, football, driving, targeting women, why not in peeing? Doesn’t that make sense? Why do they dribble the pee down the front of the toilet? My guys swear it isn’t them. What? It must be Isabella, they say. Excuse me? She’s five and she sits to pee, thank you very much! Gross. Dirty. Disgusting.
And underwear, what’s with that? Why can’t they put it in the hamper? They must be genetically wired to believe that underwear belongs on the floor. One night I was with a bunch of women and this very topic came up. None of their men put their underwear in the hamper! None! One of my friends relayed how her husband took his off and twirled it around his finger before throwing it across the room! Like he is unveiling a masterpiece or something. Another told me how her husband shoots his underwear like a slingshot! Can you imagine, like they don’t have enough toys? I guess I should count myself lucky, as my husband just pushes his down and steps out of them. A friend of my mothers’ was so sick of picking up her husbands’ clothes that she threatened to throw them out the window. He didn’t take her seriously and so was surprised to come home and find his clothing strewn about the front yard and hanging from a tree. He learned to pick up his clothes. I’m not sure me or my neighbors are ready for me to go that route yet. With my luck I’d get fined by the Home Owners Association. Can you imagine that letter? I guess I am just destined to pick up and clean up after my husband. (And to apologize to whomever decides to live with my son.) I tried.

No comments:

Post a Comment