Wednesday, October 5, 2011

So it Begins

Phone calls, emails, websites and magazines all with pictures of brides and beautiful dresses, touting one venue over another, questions about where to go, who to see, and of course, how much will it cost?  It all can become a little overwhelming!  No wonder a bride is known to be so emotional during this time.  But what about her mother?  Why am I feeling so emotional?
It's rather confusing for me to understand myself.  I am so undeniably happy for Michelle.  Bella too.  Shawn is a terrific man and I have a great bond with him that I feel is one that will only strengthen with time.  They are very lucky to have each other-all of them.  I love the planning of the wedding, it's fun for me.  Something that I have always wanted to do and have looked forward to. I can't wait to go shopping with the girls for dresses and flowers and get into all the details.  That's my idea of fun.  So it's not that.  But I do feel myself to be at somewhat of an impasse.  I am very emotional and cry at the drop of a hat, especially when speaking with Michelle.  I am not afraid of being replaced because the truth is, I know no one can replace ME!  Part of me though may feel a bit set adrift. Somewhat like an old viking, but without the flames.
The truth is, I feel sad.  After much soul searching, I feel that I've been able to reach the source of my sadness and it is this.  Michelle has decided to get married at Shawn's family church, and to attend there with Isabella.  While part of me is so glad that they will be attending church as a family and raising Bella and Aiden together in the Christian faith, it saddens me at the same time to think that our time together in our family church has passed.  Is that selfish?  I really do want what is best for them and I think that perhaps this church might be good for them.  They went on Sunday and Bella has talked about it to me several times and she asked Michelle to read to her about the story they talked about in church.  That is great, it means that Isabella was paying attention and she got something from the service and it was brought home, all of that is good.  It is also great that Shawn's family attends that church as well, his parents and his sister and her family as well, so Bella will have cousin's there.  I know that it is all good, but part of me feels like they are giving part of themselves up gain those rewards.  While my head knows that's not true, it has to convince my heart.
The worst part is that without them, I don't want to go to church and I don't know why.  It's not their fault!  Michelle is doing what is right for her and for her family, I know that!  At the same time, it's always been hard enough for me to go to church with just my children and not Jim.  Now, for the kids to leave me too, I just don't know if I can do it without them. 
Jesus knows my heart.  He knows that my love and trust in Him hasn't changed, but my courage has faltered a bit.  Pray for me, that He will give me the strength that I need to go it alone.  To worship Him as I have done for the last half of my life, at my home church with my church family. 

No comments:

Post a Comment