Finally Friday

Is it terrible to say that I am looking forward to the weekend just so that I can sleep in?  Well if so, then I'm sorry. But, I can't wait to sleep in!  It's been a long week and I am anxious for it to be over.

Got a call on Monday at work from my doctors office at Kennedy Kreiger saying that the doctor wanted me to come again for another check up.  I asked when, she said tomorrow morning.  So, in gale force winds and the driving rain I headed back down to Baltimore to see my doctor on a Tuesday.  She usually only sees patients on Friday's so this was unusual.  I met a new doctor who wanted to examine me, he looked like a Ken doll.  Blond, perfect hair, perfectly coiffed.  Preppy clothes, beautify styled and perfectly creased.  Even  his lab coat was stylish!  When he smiled, the light tinkled on the shine on his teeth.  You know the type?  So totally not my type!  But an interesting specimen non the less.  Anyway, had to go through the whole routine again with him, from beginning to end.  What brought me here, when did symptoms first begin, what is affected, how does this interfere with your life, etc., etc., etc.?   Then the one that bothers me: are you depressed?
That bothers me for a number of reasons.  1) Can a person not be ill or have a disease independent from being depressed?  2) Why is it so often assumed that when a person (read: woman) has ongoing, often unexplained symptoms that she is depressed and that is the diagnosis? 
When I said that I wasn't depressed by my diagnossis he seemed surprised.  He said that he would think that it would be depressing and that it was understandable that I would be depressed.  Was he trying to talk me into it?  I said that I thought that anytime someone deals with chronic pain that it is dificult and can be depressing but that I thought my attitude in general was good and it helped me to deal with the pain a little better.  Did I want a break from it?  Yes.  Could I do without it?  Of course.  But given my choices, this doesn't seem that bad.  When I look at what is going on in the world today, war, tsunamis, earthquakes, pain and devestation, children with unimaginable illnesses, families without hope, I know that I am in a good place.  I am so Blessed.  I have so much to be thankful for and I have a God who truly loves me, who I can put my faith in wholy.  I don't always know how He answers our prayers, but I know that He does.  I know that He knows what our lifes story will be, and it is like a glorious book laid out before Him as we walk throuh it page by page, chapter by chapter, just as He has ordained for us.  And I am on one of those pages as he had planned.  And I am so grateful, so blessed and ever so loved.
Happy Friday.
Enjoy your weekend.

Count your Blessings!

Sad Day

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you all that my cousin's body was found yesterday.  He had been murdered, shot in the head.  It is unfathonable for me to think how one human being can point a gun at anothers' head and pull the trigger.  Ending one life and causing so much pain and  heartache to others. 
Richard was just 40 years old and had a lifetime of promise ahead of him.  His heart was full of love, life and laughter.  He was such a good, sweet and loving soul whose spirit here on earth will certainlly be missed.  My heart goes out to his parents, my aunt and uncle, his brother and his wife, Andrea.  He was loved by many and will be missed by many.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

Only 25 Shopping Days Left

How is your holiday shopping going?  Are you done or nearly done?  Haven't started?  I have made great strides in my completing my shopping this year.  My goal is to have it all done and wrapped with time to spare so that I can enjoy the joy of the season.  That is my goal anyway.  You know what they say about the best laid plans and all that?! 

I love gift giving though.  I really enjoy the process of finding something that is just right for the person that I am buying for, wrapping it up prettily, giving the gift and watching as that person unwraps it and finds the treasure that is beneath the pretty wrappings.  It gives me such a warm feeling inside and leaves me with such a sense of pride.  It got me to thinking about the origin of gift giving at Christmas, not the Roman origins of Saturnalia but the religious origins and significance of the giving of gifts.

Sometime after the birth of Jesus, three Wise Men, also known as Magi, came to visit the newborn bearing gifts of insence, gold and myrrh.   "...Magi came from the east to Jeruaulem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born King of the Jews?  We saw his star in the east and have come to worship  him."   Matthew 2:1-2 

Those gifts were given as a sign of worship, an offering to the King who was and is our greatest gift of all.  Can you imagine the anticipation, the love and joy that must have been in God's heart when he gave us this most precious gift?  His Son!  For our salvation.  Such a gift that we as a people we unaware of the magnitute of it, the value for our souls, for our life here on earth and life everlasting.  Such is His love for us.
We celebrate that, we rejoice in that and we cherish that.  With gifts of thanksgiving, with songs of praise, glory, laud and honor to His name.  Excited souls sing!

   For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  John 3:16

So shop, decorate and celebrate.  It is what we do.  It is how we celebrate the birthday of our Saviour.  But as for me, I will try to keep that feeling of love, the spirit of joy, and a grateful heart for the gift that is Christ our Lord not just at Christmas but every day.  To honor that gift.

                                                               Merry Christmas Everyone!

A Glimpse Inside

*I have been suffering with a terrible migraine all day Sunday.  Laying on the couch in and out of sleep all day.  It has given me time to think.  Not the 'why me?' kind of thing, it has never been that because that implies someone else.  More the introspective kind of thought.  So please forgive me if I ramble a bit.  I wrote this when I came back to a semi-consious state and set it to post today.    

Have you ever tried to get a glimpse inside your neighbors world?  While taking your little one trick or treating you go to the door and when 'those' neighbors answers you steal a glance inside.  Or when that new family at church pulls up to drop off in front, you check out the type of car they drive and how clean or dirty it may be.  Maybe it's when taking your little one to pre-school, you see the happy faces of the families as they drop off their children and imagine what their life is like at home.  Do you?  Come on, we all do to a certain degree.  But what can just a glimpse tell us?  Will we get the real picture?  The full truth?  Or just a snapshot that is shown to thw world?  Think about what your glimpse would reveal.
     It is easy to judge without knowing the whole truth.  The rest of the story.  None of us are guilt free.  We all make assumptions of one kind or another.  Wounds cut the surface but scars run deep.  What if we were to know what lay behind that brief glimpse?  Would our attitude change, would we be more empathetic, more compassionate?  It is hard to know.  I wonder though because I was once accused of having had it too easy.  I say 'accused', because it felt like an accusation and I believe that it was meant as one.  And it hurt.  Because that was far from the truth.  While my life may have looked easy to some, the truth may have painted quite a different story.  The truth went something like this:  I was married young, a few short month after we met we were married.  Having never lived with a man other than my Father, I found many things about this ne life disturbing.  Adjustment was difficult to say the least.  Then I became pregnant and raging hormones were added into the mix along with my leaving school, constant morning sicknes, being away from home and my grandmother being very ill.  My parents were not thrilled with my choices, I had very few friends, no job and my new husband was working two jobs to support us.  But we did have a home, a  new baby on the way and we wildly in love.  So yeah, it was so easy!  The rest is pretty typical, we have certainly had our share of ups and downs, plenty of tears to go along with the laughter and we have been thrown our share of curve balls along the way.  Somehow, by the Grace of God, we have made it through.  It has not been easy, it never is. 
    What if everyone carried signs that told of their particular plight?  Things like: My husband walked out on me, I am in terrible debt, I live in a shelter, My child is an addict, My baby died at  birth, My husband just lost his job, and on and on.  How would yours read?  We all have a cross to bear.  A burden that we wrestle with.  Pain.  Heartache.  Grief.  Know this, God does not waste pain.  He gives us opportunities.  Opportunities to reach out to others, to lessen someone else's pain, to offer hope, compassion, love, and to testify of His unending love for us.  Will your heart be revealed?
I know that you have all heard the phrase 'Let go and let God.'  Easy to say, much more difficult to do in practice.  But try it.  Try to give up  your worries, realize that you are not in control and that your story was written out for you long ago by He who is in control.  So let go, and relax.  Take a deep breath and pray.  And give it up to Him.  You will be amazed at how light you will feel.  It is freeing.
    And thos glimpses, just look for the signs.  They are the only things that you need to worry about.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

Philippians 4:13



Bullying

This subject has been in the news a lot lately and it has been on my heart.  There have been several instances that we have heard of where young people have taken their own lives because of the abuse that they have endured by the hurtful words and deeds of others.  Why?  Needless lives lost because someone doesn't live up to anothers' image of what is 'normal' or 'right'.  It all seems so wrong, so senseless and so terribly sad.

I can't help but wonder when it will end. We know that the persecution goes back to the days of the Bible.  We read about different types of prejudices throughout the Bible.  But when will it end?  We must teach by example.
As I sat in church on Sunday and listened to our Pastor's sermon, I thought about his words and how they related to me.  He spoke about Pauls 2nd letter to Timothy, when he encourages Timothy to be Faithful. 
He speaks of being an example of Christs' love and to not be ashamed.  And it reminded me that we all need to be an example of His love, and that has to start with me. 
I have to give thanks to my parents for being such good examples of His love for me and my siblings.  Although we did not always make it to church every Sunday, in fact it was  more often than not that we were not at church,in word, action and deed, my parents were stewards of God's Love.  They led by example.  Teaching us to be tolerant, to love others, to follow God, to Cherish family, to value learning, and morals, and right from wrong and they taught us understanding.  These are the lessons that I have strived to pass along to my children and that I hope in some way they have learned and that they have come to value and that in turn they will pass along to their children.  Maybe by doing so in some small way, we can help to carry on the gifts of Faith and Love that can be found by believing and be an example.
                           Re-kindle the gift of faith that is within you and pass it on. 

Teach our children that we will not tolerate intollerance.  Guide them through your example.  And put and end to bullys.  And if you know someone who is being bullied, let them know that there is help.  They don't have to feel so alone and lonely, there is someone they can talk to, someone who can help.  Don't let one more young person feel like the only way to put an end to it is to end their life.  Their life is worth so much more...

      "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
                                            2 Timothy 1: 7

Busy, busy, busy...

My weekend was full of fun and excitement!  We had a good time.  Spent Saturday evening in downtown at the creek watching the silly boats cruise the creek.  Then walked around the downtown shops and such enjoying the entertainment  and the beautiful night. 

Bella even got to meet Uncle Sam!   We stopped at Ben and Jerry's and got a cool treat, yum!  I kept it low-calorie though and got fat-free sorbet which if their label is correct is 2 points per scoop.  It was light and refreshing too!  We walked around for about four hours though and by the time we got home I felt like a train wreck and quickly got in the hot tub hoping to ease the aches and pains that were making their way to every part of my body.  Ugh!  Old age realy is not for the faint of heart!

Sunday we headed up to Crumland Farms and let Bella play around there for a few hours.  She had a bunch of fun but the heat was too much.  After a while we had to head back home to get a reprive from the heat.  We rested up and cooled off for a while before we headed back out to the Park.

My All American Cutie!

Once at Baker Park we were overwhelmed by the amount of stuff there.  There were all kinds of rides, demonstrations, activities, food, music, games, anything that you can imagine.  We stayed there for a while and had fun.  It was just soooooo HOT!  The mercury hit 98 and when you factor in the humidity, it was unbearable.  Then Bella went on a ride that spun her around & around and when she got off she wasn't feeling her best and wanted to go home.  She didn't look so good either, so we headed back to the car. 

Once home we had a chance to shower and change out of our wet, sticky clothes and have dinner before we headed back down to the park for our concert.  It was far too hot to see all of the concerts that were down there, but we did go back to see Lee Brice.  He put on a great show and at one point called Jerrod Niemann on stage with him to sing a song that the two of them had written together.  It was a lot of fun, and the crowd was wild! 

After the concert was over we went home without waiting for the fireworks.  Bella made it clear that she did not want to hear them and we were not in a rush to fight the crowd that was sure to be fighting their way out of the park area after the display, so it was all good.  We went home and watched A Capitol Fourth on TV in our nice air conditioned home! 

Monday Jim had to go back to work and we girls slept in, especially Isabella.  She didn't wake up until 9:00 and then she wasn't ready to get out of bed so she turned on her TV and stayed in bed for another hour or so!  She was one tired little girl.  Though we had thought about staying in our pajamas all day, we did eventually get dressed because I had to make a run over to A.C. Moore to pick up a package of brads that I needed to complete a layout that I was working on.  Yes, I did scrapbook yesterday!  Believe it or not and I have the pages to prove it.  But I'm not going to post them until tomorrow-make you come back and see. 

I got several layouts done and really thought I was making some headway in getting caught up, that is until Michelle let me know otherwise.  She very carefully went through my album (at my prompting) and wrote down what events I had yet to scrapbook.  When she had filled one full page and hadn't gotten to 2010 yet, she asked if she could stop!  Oh well, if I was caught up what fun would that be!  Right? 

Be back tomorrow....

Another sunrise

This morning as I was driving Isabella to her before school program, she pointed out the sunrise to me.  I glanced at the sun rising above the horizon and said a quick  yes, my mind already wandering to other things.  But then she pulled me back.  From the backseat I heard her little voice say "I love the sunrise GaGa." I was surprised to hear that and I asked her why she loved the sunrise so much and to my surprise she replied "Because it is the start of a new day. God is giving us a new day."  Then she rembered, "It's Groundhog Day!" she cried and began singing a little song.  From the mouthes of babes.  Indeed, He has given us a new day, a fresh start, a chance for renewal, a chance for redemption, another sunrise.  I smiled and agreed with her and a minute later we were at school, getting out of the car and heading inside.  I gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her and she said "I know!  All the way to the moon and back, but not as much as I love you!"  I left with a smile on my face and in my heart, what a way to start the day.
As I drove to work I couldn't help but think about what she said.  A new day, given to us by God.  So many opportunities await us each day, each day a gift.  Then I got to work and my day began and I quickly forgot about the events of the early morning.  A busy morning at work waited for me and it became more hectic by the minute.  I was being pulled in several different direction, able to be in just one place at one time, and unable to satisfy the demands that were being asked of me.  I wanted to yell, my frustration was mounting and with each minute that passed, I found myself becoming angry.  Then I stopped and I took a moment for myself.  I took a deep breath and looked out the window and saw the beauty the waited for me just beyond the window.  And I took a minute to pray.  To thank Him for the beauty of the earth, for the richness of my family, for a job that keeps me busy, and for a new day.  And I felt better.  My burden was lifted.  I could only do what I could do, no more.  And what doesn't get done?  It will still be there tomorrow. 
So I will keep working and when I leave for the day, I will reflect on what I have accomplished and what waits for me when I get home.  My family, and a 'special dinner'.  Bella's request.  Her favorite-ham.  In honor of Groundhog Day and six more weeks of winter! 

Almost Wordless Wednesday

At the zoo!  When I commented to Jim that the hills were tough for me Bella told me not to worry, she would carry me.  That's what we all want isn't it?  To know that we're not alone and someone is there to carry us through our darkest and most difficult of lifes moments.  We  need not worry, we are all carried by His gracious love.

I just laughed when I saw this.  The dolls are sorted, brown eyes, brown eyes, blue eyes, blue eyes!

Safe and Warm

That is what I am experiencing as I type these words.  I am safe, warm, clothed, fed, and in the company of my loving family.  How Blessed I am!  But my heart is heavy.
The people of Haiti need our prayers and they need our help.  Their world has been turned upside down by an earthquake the likes of which we cannot fathom.  The pictures are haunting.  The devestation unimaginable. 

 Mothers with empty arms...
Children alone and scared, searching for their parents....
Food and clean water not readily availble...
Sadness all around...

We cannot begin to imagine the pain and loss.  At times it is too much to bear.  We have seen the pictures, heard of the devestation, the catastrophic loss of life and yet we are safe.  We sit in our homes and watch the news on the television, or we see it at work or in the newspaper.  And we can turn it off.  When it does becoe too much to bear, too much to think about any more, we can turn it off.  Try to get those images from our minds.  But I can't.  Can you?  The images they haunt me. 
I'd like to help.  But I am only one.  What can I do?  How can I help?  Google Haiti on your web browser and countless web sites will come up.  Offering ways to hel.  You can text Haiti on your phone and make a donation, it will appear on your next bill.  The Red Cross needs help and needs money.  Compassion International is a wonderful charity dedicated to helping impoverished children. 
Find a way that you can help.  And pray!  Take a moment to pray!  It is free but the benefits are boundless.

The countdown begins...

Only 15 days left until Christmas!  Our calendar is full already and each day we seem to add more to it!  Yesterday I had the day off work as we were  expecting our friends Andy & Durinda for a holiday visit.  Before they got to town, Jim and I took a quick trip up to the outlet center in Gettysburgh for a couple of Christmas gifts.  After Andy & Durinda had arrived, we went downtown for a nice lunch and stopped in a few of the different shops that line Market Street.  After Michelle and Isabella arrived, we had a wonderful time exchanging gifts.  Isabella received a guitar, microphone w/stand and a headset-all hook up to an amplifier!  I know, I said they were our friends and they still are even though we offered to let her keep that gift at their house! Ha!  She loved it and that is what is important.
Afterwards, we headed back up to Gettysburg for dinner and a Holiday Concert at the Majestic Theatre featuring The Lettermen.  I had of course heard of them, but couldn't tell you any of their songs, but I was assured that I would recognize their songs when I heard them and I did.  They sang such hits as:
Goin' Out Of My Head, When I Fall In Love, Traces/Memories, Theme From A Summer Place, etc. 
It was a wonderful show! 

At one point in the show Marc, the tall dark haired one in the picture above, was doing an intro to a song and he was quoting Scripture.  A very familiar passage that I am sure we have all heard dozens if not hundreds of times.  It is from Luke 2:1-7-'And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.'

What struck me though was that while reciting this passage, Marc was so moved he was brought to tears.  I thought about how many times during a Holiday tour he must recite those words, yet he was still moved to tears.  And I thought about those words, and I thought Mary and Joseph and how they must have felt and I cried.  How often do we hear something yet not listen or not take the time to think about what is truly being said.  Think about it.  Think about the faith that Mary had in God as she was told that she would bear His Son.  About Joseph, and the faith that he showed in Mary when he found out about this Child, God's Child.  How difficult it must have been for them, how frightening. 

Bella has a little advent calendar that has a small piece of chocolate behind each little door.  It also has a Bible verse on the inside of each door.  Yesterday, as we opened the door she asked for me to read the verse to her before she got her chocolate.  "And each went to be enrolled, each to his own town."  Luke 2:3

She looked at me and asked me what it meant and as I tried to explain it to her, I became so choked up that I had difficulty speaking.  Why does this move me so?  I'm not sure.  I mean, I know how the story ends, not the ending with the Wise Men, but the end of the story as in Matthew, when Jesus is crusified and buried in a borrowed grave.  That one, that end of the story.  The end is still the same just as the beginning remains the same. But because of that beginning and that ending our story can change. We can change our story, our beginning and our ending.  Just by believing the way that Mary and Joseph believed all those many years ago.

So as you look at your Christmas tree and see the star perched atop the tree or an angel in all her glory, think about the beginning of the story, why we celebrate this wonderful season and who we are celebrating. 

Why do I blog?

I sometimes wonder.  I don't really know how many people read this, but I have decided that I don't really care.  Blogging for me is an outlet, a place where I can express myself, a place to share with others, a place to be brutally honest.  For those of you that know me, you may be asking yourself when haven't I been brutally honest?  But if I am to be honest, my lies are mostly of omission.  I tend to paint a picture of my life that is about that happy things, the nicer side of life.  Which isn't to say that those things are lies, but it does mean that I do try to temper what I say at times.  Especially to those closest to me. 

That may not make sense to you and even writing it, I can see the why that might not make sense.  Sometimes, not always but sometimes, it is difficult to tell those who I love and who love me how I am really feeling.  Whether it be emotionally or physically, it can be difficult.  I can do that there though.  I feel a sense of freedom to write whatever I feel.  Maybe because I have no one looking back at me with sympathy, horror, sadness, anger or whatever they might be feeling.  My audience is mostly unknown, allowing me the chance to speak/write without repercussions.  (For the most part.)

Now having said that, I will tell you-my unknown readers-how I feel today.  So, here goes.
Today is my birthday.  I am 48 years old today and I feel it.  In some ways, when I think back on my life thus far I see snapshots.  Clinging to my Mother, afraid to go to school, school days of play practice, color guard, chorus, classes, friends, family trips to the beach, my SISTERS (and if you are one of them you will know what I mean), Christmases, my wedding, the birth of my children.  In snapshots, life has a tendency to fly by, as in real life.  I have  had so many memorable moments that I think of with a 'happy heart' that it can often, and miraculously, outweigh those times that I might choose to forget.  I haven't forgotten those things, they have helped to shape me and to make me the person that I am today.  I think that we can all say that.  I've been fortunate because the happy times have been far more frequent than the more difficult times. 
And, I am feeling a bit reflective today.  A bit nostalgic. 

Remember when you were young and one summer day seemed to stretch on forever, when you didn't worry about grown-up things.  It was simpler.  For us.  For me.  Now those grown-up worries are part of my daily life.  Things like the mortgage payment, the safety and well being of my children, my parents, the economy, the President, my health.  I never imagined that I would have to worry about my own health, nor did I ever imagine that I would be classified as 'handicapped', but I am.  And I do.  And sometimes, those words are difficult to think of when referring to yourself, much less to say.  Today, my health is an issue.  Not much has changed so dramatically from yesterday or the day before or the day before that.  But there is a shift.  I can sense it, I can feel it.  It is difficult to say what that is, whether it is real or imagined and wheter it has anything to do with celebrating another birthday.  But it is there none the less.  And at times, it hangs over my head like a pendulum,  swinging back and forth between a healthy me and the me with the knowledge that I am forever changed.  Forever different.  Not changed for the worse, but changed.  Does that make sense?

I work hard to put a smile on my face and to act like I am not bothered by Muscular Dystrophy.  But I am, I think anyone would be.  It was and is a diagnosis that I never thought I would hear when referring to myself.   So much else before that-but MD?  Me?  No!  But for a long time, longer than I care to admit, I knew there was something amiss.  Something not quite right.  And as the years passed and my experiences with the medical world became more familiar, I pushed it back.  I blamed myself, my overactive imagination...anything but what I couldn't find an answer for.  I was scared to find out that what I thought to be the truth, that there really was nothing wrong with me physically.  My problem had more to do with mental status.

And now?  How do I feel now, after three years of knowing?  Of living my reality?  I can honestly say that I am in a good place.  The adjustment to the news was swift and seemingly effortless.  Living with the reality of that news can be more difficult, but I am okay with that.  I really am.  I find that I take less for granted.  I don't worry about the future too much.  There's no point.  Not because I fear for it, but because there is no way to know with any degree of certainty what that future may bring.  But then, no one really can.  Sometimes, I feel the need for an escape and would love a reprive from this reality.  My body aches, my muscles are slow and sluggish to respond to the commands that my brain is sending.  I don't sleep well, I tire easily and constantly fight fatigue.  I feel older than my years.  I worry about my loved ones.  I wish that they didn't have to be so aware of the war that my body is waging against me.  I don't always tell them, I try to protect them.  But they know.  They see it in me and I can see the knowledge in their eyes.  Especially my Mother.  I hate to see that worry in her eyes, a worry that I know is for me.  I can do nothing to change that. 
What I can change though, is the way that I  deal wiht my disease.  And if I can show the world that I am okay, better than okay really, their worry will decrease.  Make sense?  I''m not sure, but I hope so.

And I know that some of you may find what I am about to speak of next even more difficult to hear or believe, I will say it anyway.  I have God on my side.  His Love gives me strength, it gives me hope.  For without it I would be nothing.  It is often difficult for people to speak openly of their personal relationship with God, and I am no different.  But I know that I am not alone.  I know that He is with me, helping me, giving me strength and  hope and lifting me up when I am down.  And that knowledge, that faith is worth more to me than healing.  More than gold.  Because it is with Him and through Him that I will be healed.  That we all will be.  The struggles that create my present are what will help me to gain freedom from the bindings of my worldly home.  It makes any difficulty I have here on earth, easier to bear.  And today, on my birthday, that is my wish for all of you too.  To know the Love of God.   And if just one of you can grow in your  faith, if just one person is changed, then I would gladly take it on again.

Happy Birthday!