Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Why do I blog?

I sometimes wonder.  I don't really know how many people read this, but I have decided that I don't really care.  Blogging for me is an outlet, a place where I can express myself, a place to share with others, a place to be brutally honest.  For those of you that know me, you may be asking yourself when haven't I been brutally honest?  But if I am to be honest, my lies are mostly of omission.  I tend to paint a picture of my life that is about that happy things, the nicer side of life.  Which isn't to say that those things are lies, but it does mean that I do try to temper what I say at times.  Especially to those closest to me. 

That may not make sense to you and even writing it, I can see the why that might not make sense.  Sometimes, not always but sometimes, it is difficult to tell those who I love and who love me how I am really feeling.  Whether it be emotionally or physically, it can be difficult.  I can do that there though.  I feel a sense of freedom to write whatever I feel.  Maybe because I have no one looking back at me with sympathy, horror, sadness, anger or whatever they might be feeling.  My audience is mostly unknown, allowing me the chance to speak/write without repercussions.  (For the most part.)

Now having said that, I will tell you-my unknown readers-how I feel today.  So, here goes.
Today is my birthday.  I am 48 years old today and I feel it.  In some ways, when I think back on my life thus far I see snapshots.  Clinging to my Mother, afraid to go to school, school days of play practice, color guard, chorus, classes, friends, family trips to the beach, my SISTERS (and if you are one of them you will know what I mean), Christmases, my wedding, the birth of my children.  In snapshots, life has a tendency to fly by, as in real life.  I have  had so many memorable moments that I think of with a 'happy heart' that it can often, and miraculously, outweigh those times that I might choose to forget.  I haven't forgotten those things, they have helped to shape me and to make me the person that I am today.  I think that we can all say that.  I've been fortunate because the happy times have been far more frequent than the more difficult times. 
And, I am feeling a bit reflective today.  A bit nostalgic. 

Remember when you were young and one summer day seemed to stretch on forever, when you didn't worry about grown-up things.  It was simpler.  For us.  For me.  Now those grown-up worries are part of my daily life.  Things like the mortgage payment, the safety and well being of my children, my parents, the economy, the President, my health.  I never imagined that I would have to worry about my own health, nor did I ever imagine that I would be classified as 'handicapped', but I am.  And I do.  And sometimes, those words are difficult to think of when referring to yourself, much less to say.  Today, my health is an issue.  Not much has changed so dramatically from yesterday or the day before or the day before that.  But there is a shift.  I can sense it, I can feel it.  It is difficult to say what that is, whether it is real or imagined and wheter it has anything to do with celebrating another birthday.  But it is there none the less.  And at times, it hangs over my head like a pendulum,  swinging back and forth between a healthy me and the me with the knowledge that I am forever changed.  Forever different.  Not changed for the worse, but changed.  Does that make sense?

I work hard to put a smile on my face and to act like I am not bothered by Muscular Dystrophy.  But I am, I think anyone would be.  It was and is a diagnosis that I never thought I would hear when referring to myself.   So much else before that-but MD?  Me?  No!  But for a long time, longer than I care to admit, I knew there was something amiss.  Something not quite right.  And as the years passed and my experiences with the medical world became more familiar, I pushed it back.  I blamed myself, my overactive imagination...anything but what I couldn't find an answer for.  I was scared to find out that what I thought to be the truth, that there really was nothing wrong with me physically.  My problem had more to do with mental status.

And now?  How do I feel now, after three years of knowing?  Of living my reality?  I can honestly say that I am in a good place.  The adjustment to the news was swift and seemingly effortless.  Living with the reality of that news can be more difficult, but I am okay with that.  I really am.  I find that I take less for granted.  I don't worry about the future too much.  There's no point.  Not because I fear for it, but because there is no way to know with any degree of certainty what that future may bring.  But then, no one really can.  Sometimes, I feel the need for an escape and would love a reprive from this reality.  My body aches, my muscles are slow and sluggish to respond to the commands that my brain is sending.  I don't sleep well, I tire easily and constantly fight fatigue.  I feel older than my years.  I worry about my loved ones.  I wish that they didn't have to be so aware of the war that my body is waging against me.  I don't always tell them, I try to protect them.  But they know.  They see it in me and I can see the knowledge in their eyes.  Especially my Mother.  I hate to see that worry in her eyes, a worry that I know is for me.  I can do nothing to change that. 
What I can change though, is the way that I  deal wiht my disease.  And if I can show the world that I am okay, better than okay really, their worry will decrease.  Make sense?  I''m not sure, but I hope so.

And I know that some of you may find what I am about to speak of next even more difficult to hear or believe, I will say it anyway.  I have God on my side.  His Love gives me strength, it gives me hope.  For without it I would be nothing.  It is often difficult for people to speak openly of their personal relationship with God, and I am no different.  But I know that I am not alone.  I know that He is with me, helping me, giving me strength and  hope and lifting me up when I am down.  And that knowledge, that faith is worth more to me than healing.  More than gold.  Because it is with Him and through Him that I will be healed.  That we all will be.  The struggles that create my present are what will help me to gain freedom from the bindings of my worldly home.  It makes any difficulty I have here on earth, easier to bear.  And today, on my birthday, that is my wish for all of you too.  To know the Love of God.   And if just one of you can grow in your  faith, if just one person is changed, then I would gladly take it on again.

Happy Birthday! 

1 comment:

  1. Great column! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Thanks for sharing so many personal thoughts with me.

    Love, Jeanie