Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Loosing something that was never really mine.

Strange title?  I'm in a bit of a strange mood.  Let me tell you why.
Lately I have noticed certain physical changes to my body.  Asside from the normal 40 something rapidly approaching 50 stuff that women go through.  Things are harder for me than they used to be.  Not everything, but some things.  Like what?  Well, walking distances is a tough one, stairs I can do but only in moderation, squatting down-not so bad, getting back up-BAD.  You get the idea.  Normal everyday things that a person does in the course of a day have become a challenge.  Most of you who know me know that I don't shy away from challenges.  I try to meet a challenge head on and go on from there.  Often times that is enough after all, it is all that I can do.  But on a rare occasion it is more difficult to deal with.  Case in point:  I can no longer sing.  Let me try to explain what that means to me. 
I have always loved to sing.  From the time that I was little music has meant a lot to me.  I have been inspired by lyrics, soothed by music, pumped up by music and generally, I just love music.  Singing is my way of getting in touch with my emotions and expressing myself.  I can remember back to when my parents were married-to each other.  I think that my Mom would turn the music on to cover the sounds of her and my Dad arguing, that may be in my imagination, but I don't think so.  Anyway, I remember listening to the lyrics of some of the songs and crying because they made me sad.  To this day when I hear the song "Strangers in the Night", I get choked up.  The point is, I love music and I love to sing.
Now, I was never a great singer.  I can carry a tune, I can sing with emotion, I can sing, but I was never great.  Truth be told, I was probably only slightly better than the average Joe.  I was in Chorus in Middle School and High School and I took voice in college.  I sang in a few weddings and a few events here and there, but mostly I sang beause I like it.  I sang for the Glory of God with my church choir for at least 20 years.  But about a year ago, I had to give it up.  First it was because I was too tired.  Working full time and taking care of a house and home it became just too much for me.  That was my excuse anyway.  The truth of the matter is, I can no longer get enough breath to sing.  In that capacity anyway.  My muscles are no longer strong enough to sustain breath, a definite effect of the muscular dystrophy.  I can sing along with the radio and in the shower and such and that will be enough for me, but it is a somewhat bitter pill to swallow none the less.  Raising my voice up in song was one way for me to not only worship, but it also was an outlet that I used to give back to my church from which I have so greatly benefitted. 
Don't get me wrong, I know that I am incredibly lucky.  All I need to do is look around to see how abundant my blessings are.  Although I am well aware of that and know that in the grand scheme of things, this is but a small price to pay.  Infinitesimal, truly.  Still, it is something that has been a big part of my life.  Something that I have used to differentiate myself.  Right or wrong it is the truth. 
The question that keeps seeping its way into my consciousness though is this, was my voice ever really mine to begin with?  Was I, am I worthy?  Again, I don't mean to come off as a Beverly Sills or Julie Andrews, I know that there is no comparrison.   It was a gift, one that I was not boastful of -at least I hope not.  Maybe my voice was just on loan to me, given to me for a purpose.  It must have had a purpose as everything does.  And in that same vain, maybe that is why it has been taken away.  Purpose.  Now, it is up to me to learn from this experience.  To grow in my faith and in my purpose here on earth.  To be thankful that something that gave me such pleasure was mine, if only for a while.  To be grateful for the life that I have been given, and to appreciate more the bigger things that life has to offer me.  And I do. 

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