Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Days like this...

Test my strength. I try not to complain, I try to be accepting, even grateful and for the most part I am. Some days are just tougher than others. Physically, the last few days have been difficult. I have been experiencing terrible back pain, complete with spasms and knots and headaches. I have noticed that when my body is especially stressed it is often accompanied by a headache. Which makes sense if you think about it.
Today is an especially difficult day. In addition to the afore mentioned struggles, there are other issues today. The muscles in my stomach area are tight and unable to relax. In addition to the discomfort that this causes, my stomach is distended and it is difficult to stand without a certain amount of pain. Standing completely upright at this point is not an option. According to my doctor, the independant research that I have conducted and other 'Myotonics', this is not
unusual and in fact, I do deal with this on a fairly regular basis. What bothers me the most about these times is that I am no longer able to remain anonymous. I am noticed as being different. My struggle has become public and open to scrutiny, debate, criticism and pity. Really.
So what do I do? How do I deal with this? The answer for me has not come without its own amount of struggle. But here it is. When I feel especially burdened I take time to dirty my knees. Yes, I pray. I don't pray for healing, or to be free from pain or hurt. I don't pray for research, or a cure, or a magic pill. I don't pray for anonimity. I pray for strenth. Strength to witness in the face of adversity. Strength to trust in He who has chosen me for this journey. And most of strength that I can grow to become a better Christian. That is perhaps the most difficult of all. I try to give honor and glory to my God each day, in word or deed. To be kinder, to be less judgemental, to help someone in need, and to look closer at my neighbors' struggles. But I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. And I know that I could do a better job. I pray that I will. There is something that I can do, that I should do. I can feel it, but I have yet to grasp it. I am on the precipice, so close but still so far away.
Easy to say, but so much tougher to do. What am I meant to do? What is in store for me? How can I have been chosen, yet be so unworthy? Do you know? Do you ever feel that way?
Maybe someday the answers will be made clear to me. But I fear that that may be too much to pray for.

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