Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Today is an especially difficult day. In addition to the afore mentioned struggles, there are other issues today. The muscles in my stomach area are tight and unable to relax. In addition to the discomfort that this causes, my stomach is distended and it is difficult to stand without a certain amount of pain. Standing completely upright at this point is not an option. According to my doctor, the independant research that I have conducted and other 'Myotonics', this is not
unusual and in fact, I do deal with this on a fairly regular basis. What bothers me the most about these times is that I am no longer able to remain anonymous. I am noticed as being different. My struggle has become public and open to scrutiny, debate, criticism and pity. Really.
So what do I do? How do I deal with this? The answer for me has not come without its own amount of struggle. But here it is. When I feel especially burdened I take time to dirty my knees. Yes, I pray. I don't pray for healing, or to be free from pain or hurt. I don't pray for research, or a cure, or a magic pill. I don't pray for anonimity. I pray for strenth. Strength to witness in the face of adversity. Strength to trust in He who has chosen me for this journey. And most of strength that I can grow to become a better Christian. That is perhaps the most difficult of all. I try to give honor and glory to my God each day, in word or deed. To be kinder, to be less judgemental, to help someone in need, and to look closer at my neighbors' struggles. But I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. And I know that I could do a better job. I pray that I will. There is something that I can do, that I should do. I can feel it, but I have yet to grasp it. I am on the precipice, so close but still so far away.
Easy to say, but so much tougher to do. What am I meant to do? What is in store for me? How can I have been chosen, yet be so unworthy? Do you know? Do you ever feel that way?
Maybe someday the answers will be made clear to me. But I fear that that may be too much to pray for.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Whenever I mention to my friend Durinda that I am tired, she always says "It's no wonder!" She will then go on to list all that I do in the course of a week or a day and then I feel a bit better. Maybe justified is a better way to describe it. Like I somehow need an excuse to feel tired. I think of what I would like to accomplish in a day and feel that if I don't get it all done that I have somehow lost. Lost what? I don't know, and I don't know why I feel that way.
Timmy teases me and tells me that if I go out and stay out past 10:00 on Friday night that it takes me the rest of the weekend to recover. But, he's right.
Not that I ever was much of a night owl. Just ask my sister Susan. She can tell you some stories...on second thought-Don't ask her!
Those of you who know me well might also know that I sometimes talk in my sleep. I always have from what I understand. But now I've refined it to an art form. Jim often threatens to keep a tape recorder by the side of the bed so that he can record some of my late night ramblings. And in recent years it has gotten much worse! I don't only talk, I yell, scream, cry and wimper in my sleep as well. I hold conversations! Jim and the kids think it is fun to ask me questions when I'm sleeping and see if I'll respond. Often, I do. When I go away on cropping weekends with my friends, they hope I'll keep them entertained. You never know where my mind will go. It's reallly strange when you think about it. Even at night I can't relax. No wonder I wake up tired!
Now, if I can just convince my company to put in a nap room, I'd be set!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Again, we had a very busy weekend! We all went to Adventure Park in New Market, which was a first for me. We played miniature golf, and Bella went on several rides, and then Bella and Michelle teamed up against me in the Bumper Boats and I lost! I was soaked to the skin! But it was well worth it as we had a blast. Michelle and I went back to school shopping for Isabella, and that was so much fun. Bella is truly a diva and loves new clothes and all of the accessories!
Then we went to church on Sunday, and relaxed the rest of the day. So it was a good weekend.
I have busy week at work this week, lots going on that I will need to take care of.
And I am going to admit this here in public for all to see, but I am addicted to Big Brother! I can't wait for its return each season. And this year I have even gotten to see some of Big Brother After Dark and it is truly amazing. Don't these people have parents? The things that they will do on camera, well let me just say I learn new things every time I tune in. So every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday you can find me and Michelle anxiously awaiting the start of the show. And this is what I think-I hate Jesse!! Why BB brought this arrogant, self centered, egotistical idiot back for another season in beyond me. He is just awful! He treats women like they are put on this earth for his amusement and refers to them as V- g ---s! Hopefully this week will bring his reign of terror and intimidation to an end! But I LOVE Jeff! First of all, he is adorable, just great eye candy. And he seems so nice, really making his mamma proud I'm sure. Love to see him win it all! So those of you who keep up with it log in and let me know what you think.
That's all for now!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Anyway, the weekend is nearly upon us. I have plans, as usual. One of the things that I am planning on doing is cleaning my Scrapatorium. Boy does it need it! I can hardly walk across the floor as it is like a field mine. Stuff everywhere. So much so, that I can't find anything. Last night it took me nearly 35 minutes to find a particular piece of paper. By the time I found it I had forgotten what I wanted to do with it! I can visualize how I want it to be all I want, but when I get home-it is still a mess. So, I have no choice. I have to do it. Part of my problem is that I keep getting things to help me be organized and then I can't find anything and it takes so long to go through everything. Maybe I should better label things. Anyway, I hope to start on it this evening. By writing it down here I am kind of committing myself to doing it. Ha! We'll see.
In other news, last night as Bella was getting ready to go to bed some music came on and I started dancing a bit. She said 'GaGa, don't shake your hiney!' I said that she did it, why couldn't I. Her reply? 'When I do it I'm dancing, when you do it you're just shakin' your hiney.' Maybe she had a point.
Then this, overheard as she said her prayers: 'Hi God, I try to give a little of myself to you every day. Please pray for...' then she went on to list everyone and finished up with this 'and God, please pray for my GaGa, that's my Grandmother [I love how she has to explain this to God] because she loves my Grandaddy soooo much.' I wonder what she meant by that?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Now, a few things jump out at me immediately upon reading this. The first is that is it neurotoxic. Now I am no scientist, but by definition that neurotoxic means poisonous. Specifically poisonous to the nerves or nerve cells. The second was that it is in fact used to treat muscle spasms despite its inherent toxicity. So let me get this straight. This is a toxic protein, the most toxic protein known and despite that terminology some people use this to get rid of frown lines? Small wrinkles? I read a little further and found this: "Botox injections work by weakening or paralyzing certain muscles or by blocking certain nerves. The effects last about three to four months. Side effects can include pain at the injection site, flu-like symptoms, headache and upset stomach. Injections in the face can also cause drooping eyelids." Interesting.
Let's review my options shall we? I can walk around looking like someone placed and invisible fish hook in my lip and is pulling on it from above, OR risk the side effects including toxicity? Those don't sound like the best odds to me. What do you think? Would you do it? Are we that vain that we risk our health for a few smoothed out lines, a temporary fix to the inevidible wrinkles that naturally come with age. My mother was telling me just yesterday that when my 7 year old niece Molly was visiting my Mother she looked at her and asked 'Grandma, will I get wrinkles on my face too?' Mom told her that yes, she probably would get wrinkles when she got older. To which Molly replied with not a little sarcasm 'OH, GREAT!'. So, that's where we are that a 7 year old is worried about wrinkles? As for me, when I next visit my doctor and she asks me if that twitch is still bothering me, I know how I'll reply. Yes, yes it is. And now it's on both sides of my face!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
On Friday I knew that a migraine was going to hit me-I woke up feeling fuzzy and not quite steady on my feet. Luckily, I had a short day at work and was able to get home by 1:30. We had a terrible storm hit a short while later and I laid down on the couch to close my eyes and listen to the rain. I woke up at 6:00-the next morning! Talk about loosing time! I have suffered with migraines for most of my life. I have tried just about everything from chiropractic care, accupuncture, pharmaceuticals and herbal remidies, all with varying results. None that were a cure. I had some good results with Imitrex shots, but I developed an allergy to the drug and had to discontinue use. Anyway, it is a royal pain in the tail. Luckily they are not nearly as frequent as they used to be, but when I do get one it's a doozy.
Saturday I woke up feeling quite refreshed and was able to get a few things done. My dear friend Kathy P., and I had been trying to schedule a time to get together either with or without our husbands for dinner and Saturday night the four of us were finally able to meet at Gladchuck's for dinner. It was so nice to be able spend time with them. We have known them since our boys were seven I think and they are both now 23. Their son Bryan is getting married in October and we talked about the wedding plans, their first home and just caught up on each other's lives. It is terrible to say, but they live less than 5 miles away and we so rarely see each other! Anyway, it was great to see them both and I can't wait to see them, and the rest of our "A Team" again.
Right before we were getting to leave, Isabella was eating dinner when she yelled 'It fell, Mom. It fell right out!' She jumped up and ran to show everyone the small tooth that had fallen out of her mouth. The first to 'fall' out. She had to have 2 extracted due to an accident that she had where she did a face plant into a concrete sidewalk. She has decided it's better to loose them naturally.
And lastly, lest you think I have been totally slacking I was able to complete a set of cards and 2 clothespins on Sunday afternoon. Here is the proof.
aren at 4:45 AM